Inbox Infidelity - how to protect yourself

By Paula Friedrichsen

With the advent of email, chat rooms, and other online technology it has become all too easy for a married person to engage in a private, often intimate, relationship with someone other than their spouse. And in the hothouse of secrecy, seduction can flourish.

Lynn started her friendship with Bill in a chat room. As a loving wife and mother of three, Lynn had no intention of getting mired in an adulterous relationship. She was simply curious and bored.

Bill and Lynn hit it off right away. His clever little comebacks and talent for deep, meaningful conversation impressed Lynn and kept her coming back for more.

Over time they decided to exchange photos, which only deepened their intimacy, and eventually bumped up the level of sexual innuendo expressed in their private e-mails. As they grew closer, it became apparent to them both that they should meet.

A terrible fight with her husband, Anthony, gave Lynn the excuse she needed to finally meet Bill face to face. And while she was disappointed to discover that Bill wasn't all she had hoped, their relationship continued, finally resulting in adultery.

Because of the constant guilt that Lynn felt, she eventually separated from Anthony. And now that the forbidden fruit had been sampled and was no longer forbidden - well, Bill was out of the picture also.

The turning point came when a hotel room receipt with Bill's name on it showed up in the mail, causing Anthony to suspect that Lynn was involved with someone else. When confronted by Anthony, Lynn admitted everything. Then she apologized deeply from her heart and asked for her husband's forgiveness.

Anthony forgave, and God restored. It was a long process, and Lynn admits that her actions hurt her husband deeply. Ironically, if the hotel receipt had not come to the house, Lynn doubts she would have confessed to Anthony. And by her own admission, if she hadn't confessed to the adultery, she doubts the marriage would have survived. It was only in exposure, followed by honesty and transparency, that God's restorative power could begin its work. Once the truth was out in the open, the rebuilding process began.

Six years later, Anthony and Lynn's marriage is solid. Lynn is grateful that she didn't leave Anthony for Bill, "the charming impostor."

If your husband were to read all of your e-mails, or instant messaging, or text messages, how would he react? Is your communication with the opposite sex appropriate? Let's say your husband decided to take a look at your private e-mail account. If he read anything in there, would it cause you to feel embarrassed or defensive? If so, then you have a problem.

Often what begins as a platonic online friendship can evolve into something fun, flirtatious, and romantic. Although you love your spouse, this ongoing e-mail exchange can start to thrill you. And when your marriage goes through turbulent times - as all marriages do - you may be vulnerable to infidelity.

Take a minute to ask yourself the following questions:

If you've answered yes to any of those questions, it may be time to make some changes. The following actions will help protect your marriage.

1. Discontinue the "friendship" and change your e-mail account immediately.
In a polite, yet firm email, let this man know that the relationship is over. Although this may seem like a drastic step (especially if the friendship hasn't resulted in a sexual relationship…yet) it's necessary. Once you've written the email, it's time to change your email account. There is no excuse that for not doing this. It will be worth the time-consuming process of giving out your new email address to those who need it. Creating a new account and discontinuing the old ensures that at least this form of communication is cut off.

2. Bring more accountability into your life.
The best way to eradicate dysfunctional and destructive behavior is to bring it out in the open. Remember, it's only as issues are brought into God's light that healing can come. If while reading this article you can admit to being in a too-close online friendship-now is the time to share your struggle with someone. Find a trusted mature friend (of the same sex) with whom you can confide, or your pastor or his wife, or a counselor.

3. Turn your attention back home.
Make a concerted effort to turn your heart, mind, and body back toward your husband. Do your best to reconnect with your mate emotionally and sexually. At the same time, resist the urge to relive the flattering and exciting conversations that you once engaged in with this other man.

It's important to note; remembering is a choice. You can choose to deny yourself the pleasure of recalling those electrified or intimate email exchanges. Deliberately put your focus back on your husband, the man you would have followed to the moon before the wedding.
 

Paula Friedrichsen is a conference speaker and the author of "The Man You Always Wanted is The One You Already Have" (Multnomah 2007). She lives with her husband and daughter in Northern California. www.PFMinistries.com